i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
