How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
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