I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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