Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
