i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
