Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
