I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
