the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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