Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
