mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
