If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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