I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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