If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
