i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
