You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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