I love black thongs
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
