The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
