history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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