there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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