Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
