I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
