apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
