Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
