ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
