It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
