You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
