I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
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