the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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