can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
