I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Sorry about my life...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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