talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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