sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
