he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
