I can't breathe out the right side of my face
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
