Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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