One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
