If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
