how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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