Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
