I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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