I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
