I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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