$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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