How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
