Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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