I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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