dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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