Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
