I want to walk on stilts...naked
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
