if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
